Q:who are narcissists?
A:they are self absorbed people, they only value their needs and emotions while they fail to consider/value others’, they are basically children trapped in adult bodies with adult power and vocabulary.
Q: What do they want?
A: They want attention. Narcissists mistake attention for love, they want to be the center of attention of everything, they want to be treated in a special way, they expect you to praise them, prioritize them (even on your own needs) and to be their servant. While of course not seeing the slightest need to reciprocate.
Q: I don’t get it, I felt special with him, I thought that I have finally found the one, they understood me!!
A: As they say, if the relationship is escalating pretty quickly, it’s a red flag. Narcs unfortunately studied you enough, knew you were vulnerable and exploited your weaknesses, it’s what they do, always using your weaknesses. After studying you enough to know what you want and what not, they start mirroring you all of the sudden, oh you like swimming? I like that too! You like reading? Ohh me too!! You like watching movies? Ohh so do I! They create a perfect fake person you would fall in love with, a person you would think is the one, you would finally think that you have found your soulmate, but you fell in love with an imagination… hard pill to swallow I know.
Q: Why is a relationship with a narcissist a crazy road?
A: Well, because every relationship with a narc has three phases:
-Love bombing: We talked before about the perfect person a narc creates to make you fall in love with, so they can get to you. In this same phase the narc showers you with affection and attention, showers you with gifts and tells you that you are their soulmate, they make you feel so lucky and you feel like you are the most important person on earth, it’s flattering and magic.
-Devalue: When you thought it was all going well for you, the narc starts doing funny, weird things like insulting you, ignoring you, not showing up, not giving any more compliments, you discover their bad habits, you hear about their bad past etc… You would tolerate this and think it’s just temporary before it passes. -Discard: This is where the narcissist is done sucking you, they are done feeding their ego and boosting their confidence off of you, you are no good to them anymore and they can’t benefit from you anymore. They won’t care if you both are married, committed or anything, all they care about is power and control and they will move on without looking back to their next victim while saving you in a jar for later use.
Q: If they are done with me, and I started to move on, why would they come back again crying, asking for apology and regretting everything?
A: Remember when I said you were put in a jar for later use? Well, the narc has many victims stored in jars, they would come back to them when they are feeling down and need an ego/confidence boost, they come back crawling, wearing a new mask of regret to get back to you, they would start showering you with affection and you think they did change really, you get back together and you are happy again, until they devalue you and they discard you again and you are put inside a jar for later use again and they move on to their next jar and the cycle repeats again and again.
Q: If I know they are toxic and no good to me, why do i miss them and secretly wish they would come back?
A: Well, because you are addicted to the high they give you, narcs get us so high in the love bombing, they seem perfect, it’s what we need, they give us sex, care, money, attention, affection, parental figure for our kids etc.. they know exactly what we need and give us exactly that, a lot of it, to get us hooked. We have to say NO STOP to that high. It’s trauma bonding, they will be good, good, good, then bad, bad, bad, then good, good, good etc.. We are addicted to the reward, when narcs are being good, but it’s just temporary.
Q:How can i move on?
A: First thing is to educate yourself on narcissism as much as possible, allow yourself to get angry at them, allow yourself to grieve about it, you got played and it hurts. Remember when we talked about how the cycle will always repeat? Well, the cycle will only stop if they think you are not worthy for them anymore, or when you make an end to it which brings us to our second point: Second you need to cut all ties with them, block them everywhere, move out, immigrate an ocean away, you need to get away from them. Third, you have grieved a lot, now it’s time to move on and be happy again, narcs made us depressed but the storm is over and we are stronger than ever, might as well get our psychology degree now after all what we have been through :p It’s time to meet new people again and get back to our hobbies.
I’ll finish by saying that, every narcissist we came across with in life, made us sadder in life, they are parasites and less humans, a relationship with them is like touching something weird under a chair.
Happy Healing!