All my life I have been in toxic non-nourishing relationships, I kept going from one heartbreak to another, over and over again.
After a while I noticed a pattern, I was attracting women who ressembled my mother, who were depressed, broken, neglectful, emotionally unavailable, non-athentic and shallow, who would start the Cluster B cycle right away and make me fall for their drug, their love-bombing, then they I would be neglected/devalued then discarded, then go back together, then love bombing again, devaluing, discarding and the cycle goes on and on.
These women behaved exactly like my mother, they reminded me of her, their love felt familiar, that’s what I was used to my whole life, how could I not fall for them? It was impossible.
Healthy women didn’t attract me, they felt boring, too healthy they didn’t start pre-relationships with love bombing and thus I never liked them.
I figured that I was stuck in my childhood, I was trying all along to find broken, emotionally unavailable women and try to fix them, exactly how I tried all my childhood to fix my mom, to make her a better mother, so she can love me, take care of me, give me attention and want me more, I was trying all along to achieve a childhood fantazy and I was stuck in that loop that it kept going on later in my adult life.
What I struggled to understand and accept was that I can’t fix my mother, I will not have a loving and caring mother like my friends, I didn’t want to face this, I didn’t want to accept it.
My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and everything makes sense, but I was stuck at facing the horrible truth that I will never have a mother who doesn’t whine like a little child, who is not too self-absorbed, who is not depressed, who didn’t think I was an adult and discarded my feelings, who can actually be a mother.
One thing that helped me go through this is, accepting that no real mother would do this to her child, to me, so I accepted that my “mother” was just an egg doner, as well as her husband the sperm doner.
Family is not always blood-related, family can be the people who geniunly care for you, who love you and accept you and thank god I have came across many of these in my life.
I was introduced to Teal Swan, thanks to my friend M., who came up with this theory called the completion process where you go back to your childhood memories/traumas, be there with the child you, explain to them what was happening, trying to be there with the child you, trying to give what the child you needed in that moment in order to make them feel better, in order to change to change the emotions related to that memory.
So I did just that, I kept going back to the memories of when I felt lonely, abandonned, empty, craving love and affection.
I want there and saw the child me, in a dark place, black empty sad place, the child me was so sad in a horrible agony, I was there with him, with his sadness, when it felt right, I told him how sorry I was that he has to go through this, that he has a horrible mother who made him feel left all alone in this emptiness, that I understand his feelings nad it must feel so horrible that he has to go through this especially alon, I kept saying how sorry I was, stood there near him and when the time was right, I came close and hugged him and told him that I love him so much, he is the child me, I am here with him, he doesn’t have to go through this alone anymore.
I kept repeating how much I loved and cared for him, I will not leave him, that he is with me now and I will never let anything bad happen to him anymore. I explained to him that he didn’t deserve a mother like this, that he was born loved and wanted, that he was born worthy of love and affection, that our mother was not capable of love and affection, she is emotionally unavailable, she was treated the same way by her parents and never healed from it, that’s why she has no love to give.
I assured him that this mother would treat any other kid she would have had the same exact way, so it has nothing to do with the child me, I even played a visualisation of that, I gave our mother another kid and we watched that scene together as she neglected that kid and yelled/abused him.
I gave the child me some time to process that, and he calmed down and started taking the situation less personally.
I hugged the child me, skin to skin, held him very close and assured him that I will never leave him behind, I will always love and care for him, as of our mother, I invited some light beings who took our mother away, to a bootcamp/rehab, they told her that she is not an adequate mother and she needs to go back to where she came from, it’s only when she is good enough that she will come back to me, until then, she will stay there and I will be the one taking care of me along with the loving-intelligent-available light beings.
I tild the child me that things will go on his terms from now on, we are in his space, and if he decides that he never wants to see his mother again, his wish is granted and he doesn’t have to do something he doesn’t want to do, without any explanation.
My feelings/emotions which are related to that memory are shifted, are changed, I am loved and wanted and taken care of by light beings, I don’t have to beg my mom for attention and love, my mom was not good enough to be a mother, so they took her back to bootcamp.
I don’t have to fix her anymore, I have other options now, there are other beings who will give me what I am looking for, I don’t have to get it from a being who can’t provide what I am looking for, I don’t have to fix people, that’s not my job, it’s their job to fix themselves, I am only responsible for myself.
The same thing goes for women now, I don’t have to look for broken women to fix, I don’t have to stay with emotionally unavailable women, I don’t have to ask for love and care from women who can’t give me that, I will go and take what I am looking for from other women who can give me that, because broken women need to go to bootcamp(therapy), and it’s not my job to deal with that, I don’t have to put myself through this, I choose myself, I choose to prioritize myself and I am choosing to protect myself from these women.
Happy healing!